Komedy Koven

Friday, July 12, 2002

I made a list that says what colors are gay so your friends don't laugh at you and the chicks don't pass you by. Pay attention so you don't turn into a loser virgin with no friends. Though if you're reading this you probably are already.

blue: not gay.
red: not gay.
purple: gay.
yellow: not gay.
green: not gay.
lemon yellow: gay.
lime green: also gay.
navy blue: a little gay.
orange: not gay.
brown: not gay.
black: gay.
peach: gay.
teal: gay.
sky blue: pretty damn gay.
fuchsia: totally gay.
pink: obviously gay.
cranberry: pretty fuckin' gay.
chartreuse: are you kidding? SO gay.
gray: not gay (unless you call it "heather," then it's gay).
wheat: gay.
taupe: gay.
biege: kinda gay.
white: super gay.
eggshell: whatever.
rust: let's call it bi.
mustard: gay.
gold: gay.
silver: a little gay.
aqua: gay.
melon: I don't know what this is so it's probably gay.
lilac: gay
lavender: isn't this the same as purple? gay.
turquoise: gay. unless you're Navajo or whatever. then it's okay.
neon anything: not gay.
pastel anything: last time I checked? gay.
cherry: is a fruit. you figure it out.
kiwi: ditto.
periwinkle: do you really have to ask?
coral: somebody's making this up.
stonewash: not gay.
acid wash: that's just gross.
olive: sounds gay but isn't.
cornflower: a little less gay than periwinkle.
khaki: not gay.
sandalwood: now you're talkin' gay.
clear: isn't a color, you tard.
azalea: you're making this shit up. I quit. look, if anyone has any REAL colors to submit (none of this lettuce, paprika, marigold crap) I will gladly respond with the correct answer but until then this column is finished. get a job, you goddamn freaks. jesus christ.

Tuesday, July 09, 2002
Huge, huge tits.

Maggie expounds on the sad truth of today's culture:
"We unfortunately live an age in which even the dumbest popular kids in high
school have opportunities for fame and success, as long as they got da
jugs and da pipes and are willing to eat maggots."

Who isn't? Fortunately we live in a time when you can buy yourself a big rack, which is really all that's left to separate men and women anymore. And where would we be without that distinction? Probably in some dystopic 1970's vision of the future, that's where.

Monday, July 08, 2002
Komedy Koven Ekskloosive

We have obtained a legitimate list of search engine phrases that led people to the website for a certain public television station. For reasons of national security, we can neither reveal our sources nor identify the specific parties involved. Other than variations on the word "monologue," here are some interesting words people have searched for that led to your local public TV website:

swedish pancakes
dolphin communication
chocolate roses
if i could see infrared light
inhaling helium
hmong porn
how tall are the faces on mt. rushmore
nasa robots
invisible paint
the artist formerly known as prince
the muppet show
educational materials for frankenstein
buy frog eggs
cartoon chimpanzees
child molesters
cockroach digestion
cocaine works
do guns hurt people
eddie cochran on video
evil women
how do you train a seal to perform in shows
how to grow body hair
how to improve your looks
pictures of le var burton
tattoos of scorpions
torture video
what forces the egg into the bottle
what to say when a girl tells you she loves you
why do people yawn while i talk to them

Ideally, people looking for these things will now be directed to our website. Let's try not to let them down.

we take off our pants... so you don't have to.