Komedy Koven

Saturday, June 08, 2002

"All those citizens American-born or naturalized
living above 100% of the federal poverty level shall
be required to conduct at least one in-theater viewing
of the motion pictures, Star Wars: Episodes I, II, and
III, no later than three months after the release date
of each aforementioned motion picture on the site of a
THX certified facility. The funds raised by these
activities shall be used in the purchase of numerous
remote control golf carts and fast food value meals,
whichsoever are deemed necessary for the further
advancement of computer generated image technology."

The Lucas-tax is the first official pop-culture tax in American history. All U.S. citizens, at home or abroad, must pay this tax every several years in order to stay current on various references made in speech and print. This explains why the paying of the entry fee does not necessarily result in a pleasant experience or a benefical effect, and yet everyone does it nevertheless. Internet rumors that the Lucas-tax is the first step toward a world government (since the tax inevitably spreads internationally) have yet to be proven, and have been summarily dismissed by Lucasfilm Ltd., Industrial Light and Magic, American Zoetrope, 20th Century Fox, the White House, the IRS, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, the United Nations, the World Trade Organization, The European Union, and the Trilateral Commission.

(courtesy of the Sousa Bros.)

Friday, June 07, 2002
MIX TAPE GENIUS to Premiere at MCTC Student Show!
That's right folks, Komedy Koven wonder-duo JC and Chump have cooked up a hot little mickey plate for you. FREE!

Saturday, June 8 6-10PM
MCTC Campus
1501 Hennepin Ave. South, Minneapolis

MIX TAPE GENIUS is playing first in the Video 2 program.
If you absolutely must, an older edit is online in RealVideo here. Really though, you'll be much more entertained seeing it on the big screen with a crowd of happy people.

Tuesday, June 04, 2002
Sex-Crazed Dolphin

We here at the Komedy Koven know that our discriminating readers turn to us not only for top-notch komedy, but for leads to breaking news events. So in order to keep you, dear readers, informed, we present the following story:

LONDON (Reuters) - Swimmers have been warned to stay away from a sexually frustrated dolphin off a seaside resort after it tried to lure unwary humans out to sea in a bid to mate with them.

The Times newspaper said on Tuesday that the bottlenose dolphin, nicknamed Georges, had arrived off Weymouth, Dorset, about two months ago after following a trawler across the Channel.

"This dolphin does get very sexually aggressive. He has already attempted to mate with some divers," U.S. marine mammal expert Ric O'Barry told the paper.

"When dolphins get sexually excited, they try to isolate a swimmer, normally female. They do this by circling around the individual and gradually move them away from the beach, boat or crowd of people."

O'Barry said the dolphin, which weighs an estimated 400 lbs (180 kg), would get very excited and rough and try to mate with the swimmer, possibly causing them to drown.

The dolphin also has a fascination for boat propellers and has been injured several times. But it has resisted attempts to move to less-populated waters, the paper said.

Since his arrival at Weymouth, Georges has become a major attraction at the seaside resort with thousands of people taking to the sea in boats to watch him play.

And for those of you who wish to reciprocate dolphin affections, you may find detailed instructions here:

Males are probably the easiest to detect. They will swim around, sporting an erection (anywhere between 10 to 14 inches long for a Bottle-nose), and will have no bones about swimming up to you and placing their member within reach of your hand. If you are in the water, they may rub it along any part of your body, or wrap it around your wrist or ankle. (Dolphin males have a prehensile penis. They can wrap it around objects, and carry them as such.) Their belly will also be pinkish in colour, which also denotes sexual excitement.


One thing to note. Whether you masturbate or mate a fin, male or female, always spend time with them afterwards. Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and most importantly, show them you love them. This is essential, as it helps to strengthen the bond between you. Like a way of saying that this wasn't just a one-night fling. The dolphins appreciate it, and they will want your company more the next time you visit them.

I don't know if similar manuals exist for penguin sex.

Komedy and Music
...two great tastes blah blah blah...

Phil Hartman, I recently discovered, started out as a graphic designer. He did the cover for Steely Dan's multi-gajillion selling "Aja," designed a logo for Crosby, Stills, & Nash ('cause you gotta have a logo or you just ain't rock'n'roll), and worked on album design for Poco, America, and others. And did I mention he was Canadian? We miss you, Phil.


The Squirrels vs. The Rednecks
I awoke last weekend startled and afraid. There was shouting, pounding… ladders outside the windows! Yelling, mad scurrying in the ceiling - we were surrounded. My heart pounding, breaking into a cold sweat… Shit, THINK dammit THINK! Then I remembered: Our landlords hired some roadside varmint hunters to flush our attic of squirrels.

Ahh, the friendly playful squirrel! Don’t they know what delightful fun the lil’ buggers can be? Apparently not. Overheard varmint hunter talk: “Get outta there motherfucker!” and “Aww, there’s baby squirrels up here! –Well, we can’t have us no baby squirrels in the trailer.” And “Wherez mah hatchet? –It’s down there by thuh annifreeze!” Antifreeze? Yup, they warned us not to let our cats in the attic. Turns out they got peanut butter and antifreeze sandwiches waiting for our nutty friends.

Needless to say, we're rooting for the squirrels.

Monday, June 03, 2002
Cross-Cultural Confusion

Apparently our friends north of the border have been hearing some pretty crazy stuff about the way we do things here in the good ol' U.S. of A. Canadian Matt Sendrek (not his real name) writes:

I've also heard that depending on the situation, it's not uncommon or impolite to ask a girl to "show me your tits" in the States. Is that true?
I wasn't sure how to answer him, so I forwarded his letter to Ms. Teri Teriwinkle at the Council on U.S.-Canada relations. Her response is as follows:

Dear Mr. Sendrek:

On June 3rd, 2002, you wrote:

I've also heard that depending on the situation, it's not uncommon or impolite to ask a girl to "show me your tits" in the States. Is that true?

In answer to your question: oh my, yes! In fact, protection of this important form of expression has recently been enacted into Federal law. Section 5, Paragraph 1 of the Counteract Our Declining Population and Induce Extended Concupiscence for Everyone (C.O.D.P.I.E.C.E.) Act states:

Any man, at any public gathering or celebration, or at any privately held event where alcoholic beverages are served or a live band is present, may ask any woman present to expose her mammary glands ("show her tits") provided that:

1) The participants are of legal drinking age per Statute 451.294 section 3, paragraph 1
2) The participants have a blood alcohol level of at least .04 percent
3) The female being asked to expose her mammary glands is exhibiting at least one of the following items:

a. a tight, cropped shirt, preferably white;
b. a navel ring;
c. toe rings;
d. a tattoo, especially if said tattoo is located on the upper gluteal area;
e. frosty pink lipstick;
f. a tan;
g. any combination of (e) and (f) such that the female participant's lips appear a lighter color than the rest of her skin.

In addition, the male participant must be prepared to compensate the female participant. This can be done in one or more of the following ways:

1) by presenting her with brightly-colored plastic "love beads";
2) by purchasing an alcoholic beverage for her;
3) by simply yelling "woo hoo" really really loud.

We hope this information aids you in your planning for investment in U.S. businesses. If you have any further questions about United States culture, politics, or customs, feel free to contact us anytime by email or by dialing 1-8-GREAT-SATAN on any touch-tone telephone.


Teri Teriwinkle
Executive Spokeswoman
Council on U.S.-Canada Relations

I hope this clears things up for him.

Uh oh, I've been stymied by one of the local urban colloquialisms today. "It looks so country." Country? Can anyone help me out here? I've never heard this before. Did I misunderstand? I feel so Chauncey.

Sunday, June 02, 2002
Dr. Chameleon Comes Alive

Undercover reporters spotted the elusive Teenage Scientist checking out this totally sweet guitar at a Twin Cities music store. Could this signal the return of a much-loved (if little-known) band? Stay tuned....

we take off our pants... so you don't have to.