Komedy Koven

Thursday, August 15, 2002
Peppermint Butt Mint!
WARNING: What you are about to read is a brutal account of an actual bathroom experience. Sensitive readers and anyone not wanting to know about my butt are advised to step out for a moment.

So after a long nite of boozin' — and that's EVERY night baby! wooooooo-hoooo! — the ol' tummy wasn't quite up to spec this morning. So I took a couple of these "peppermint pills" designed to quell stomach spasms, quivers, and misgivings. They have a thick coating designed to survive stomach acids and release their pepperminty goodness further down the line. At work today I ran to the bathroom stall to do my business, and *sniff sniff* - what's that smell? Why, it's... it's PEPPERMINT! Oh my God, I'm unloading a peppermint blast. You know how your mouth feels after a strong mint, a sort of burning minty refreshsedness? Yeah, well that's how my ass felt. And that, dear Kovenites, is my Peppermint Butt Mint story.

Humbly, I'd like to apologize to the full population of readers who regularly frequent the Komedy Koven for one of my posts made yesterday. I acknowledge that the post, entitled "Founder of Israeli Nazi Party Calls It Quits" was a blatant rip-off of what you might see at the renowned parody site, The Onion.. Also, I'd like to apologize to the Nazi Party of Israel, which, I was recently told, is alive and thriving.

Wednesday, August 14, 2002
Founder of Israeli Nazi Party Calls It Quits
TEL AVIV, Israel (CNN) -- After a turbulent six months, Eshkol Menachem, founder of the Israeli Nazi Party, decided to disband the rogue party after what he calls a "lack of interest." The 19-year-old Eshkol -- which in Hebrew means "cluster of grapes" -- claims to have signed up no more than seven people to his party. Four were German renegades fleeing criminal records, two were mentally retarded, and the other member was a woman. Asked why he felt the party failed to catch on in his homeland, he said, "They're all still hung up on the Holocaust. They're living in the past." At the recent govermental elections held in Tel Aviv last month, the lone Israeli Nazi Party candidate, Abraham Hitler, received nine votes and 2.5 million death threats.

I have to express my sympathies to Miss North Dakota, Stacey Thomas, who was forced to give up her crown last week when it was revealed that she often showers in the nude. Pageant officials, while not fully outraged, were "aggravated" over the allegations. Tank Greeson, of the Northwest pageant selection league, admitted to being "wound up" over the news, while Bo Nickles, vice president of hygiene and moral sensibilities, found himself "cheesed off" when he heard of Thomas' nude bathing. Runner-up contestant Gloria Nixon will be crowned the new Miss North Dakota in a ceromony at an Air Force aircraft hanger in Grunt Hill, N.D. When asked about her shower routine, Nixon says she typically opts for jeans, a t-shirt, and Reebok sneakers.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002
Where Are They Now: Ad Creatures Jamie Lee Curtis and The Noid
Find out at The Shinola Awards web site. These brand geeks delve into the psychology and madness of names. For example, blue is the hot new color for restaurant names. And yet, where's the friggin' blue food?

For the mediocre idea files:
You know how sometimes you utter a sentence or a phrase and marvel at what a great band or album name it would make? Well, for me it's after-school special titles. Yesterday I said to my sister, "I don't know where Grandma lives anymore." What a scholastic tear-jerker that would be!

Now, I don't especially want to stuff my face with tampax again -- next month or ever -- but if we're ever really hard up for ideas...

Sunday, August 11, 2002
Grandma's Super Elixir!
You've been waiting by your computer, pants around your ankles and empty cans of Old Style beer everywhere, for news of new Komedy Koven videos. Or maybe you're downloading novelty porn. That's just not our business. But there ARE new werx from the Koven afoot! Starting with Grandma's Super Elixir (2.4 MB QuickTime). It's funtastical! Behold the debut of stunningly fake special effects, just like the Hollywood big boys.

we take off our pants... so you don't have to.