Brethren, hear my new record. Glory Be!
Brothers and sisters, Glory to the Holy in the Highest. As you know, I have 'resurrected' (laugh) our old high school jazz combo, Charlee and His Gentle Believers. Randy Everson setup his computer to record us in the basement - nott too loud, right Mrs Everson! (laugh) - and Lo and behold we've got ourselves an album. It's called "Phat Hymnz for Phat Timez"
and we feel we're really going to touch the children with this one. Lord knows it's hard enough getting them to church 6 days a week, but oh do they like the music!! Well, here are the songs. Bless you all. Even the missus. (laugh)
"Unbelievin' Bitch - I Kill You Bitch!"
"The Lord's Prayer (Randy's computer mix)"
"Godd Don't Take No Sass"
"J-to-the-E-to-the-SUS Means I Love You, Bitch"
"No I Di-unt! (But Baby, You Should)"
"Jesus Fucked a Ho for You"
"Bluegrass Medley with Yamaha DX7 Interlude"
"J to the Izzo" (this one is a cover, not sure of who
but my daughter would know)
"We Don't Care for Homos, Noooooonononooooo"
"What if God Had a Cunt?"
"Cocksuckin' Bitch" (Bonus Track)
I hope to see you all down at church next tuesday nite! We're having a study group with lyric sheets after the show to make sure "the good Message" got through, not just the snappy music. You know how sometimes children just like to dance and don't know if they're listening to the devil or whos-what. Amen and Glory to the Holiest of Holys!
Kick-Ass New Rock Album
Hey guys! My band "Dudez"
has finally recorded the long awaited follow-up to "Horny-4-Life," it's called "Doped Out Fuck-Ups"
and it's got awesome new songs like:
"Skinny Blonde Bitch"
"Stuck In A Rut"
"Merch Table Whores"
"White As Blow (Cocaine Blooze)"
"Never Too Late To Party"
"Ghetto Cruisin' (Just For Kicks)"
"Jim Morrison Is Alive"
"Big Rack Baby"
"Ridin' the Flames"
"Don't Fuck With My Flag, Fag"
"Tired of Touring"
"Gimme One More Blow Job, Honey"
We'll be at the Stuck Pig on September 26 and the Liquor Locker on October 31-- Samhain, dudes! Check us out!
Album Release Date Set
Just wanted y'all to know I gots me my first hip-hop album in the can, due out in October. It features my boyz from my Milwaukee crib. We call ourselves "Naj Bling and The Phat Backsides."
The album is entitled "It's Raining Bitches."
The song list is as follows:
"Lights out on yo fat ass"
"Hot Tubs and Chicken"
"Girl, You Make My Heart Go Bling"
"Gangstas Got Feelings, Too"
"I'll Have Me Some Juicey Ass"
"Big Gold Dick"
"Homey, Don't Touch My Ride"
MMMM, DELICIOUS DILDO CANDY
"The Fr-ooze pop
is a hard candy sucker in the shape of a dildo. When you squeeze the base, gooey sugary goodness oozes out of the hard, rounded tip. It's currently being marketed directly to children in Singapore via television ads placed on cartoon shows.
The advertisements show young children sucking hungrily on the candy, with the message 'squeeze and lick' repeated again and again."
The fine folks at Au'some Candies, Inc.
are also encouraging children to stick beach tools
in their faces. Might go well with some k-k-krunchy cheese-flavored Yasser Arafat Chips
ANOTHER GODDAMN TOP TEN LIST: Dr. Chameleon's Funniest Songs
I've had a list of the (unintentionally) funniest songs in the back of my head for awhile. I can't keep it in. I gotta let it out. Some of you poor souls have been subjected to these repeadtedly during late-night drinking sessions, and I'm sorry for that. Seek them out if you've never heard them (in no particular order, and I disqualified metal, industrial, and goth):
- Bob Dylan
(from the infamous 1970 'self-portrait' album. bob multitracks his nasal croon and plays both art and paul.)
Smokin' Cheeba Cheeba
- Harlem Underground Band
(if you wanna scare kids off drugs, just put this on "repeat" and lock 'em in a dark room full of strobe lights. apparently george benson plays on this 1976 track, which blows my mind like a big ol' fatty. splifftastic!)
Rose Darling - Steely Dan
(the song that started my 'dan obsession
, when the phrase "I would guess she's in detroit, with lots of moneeeey in the bank, although I could be wro-o-ong" popped out at me over my dad's car stereo (circa 1992). much of the 'katy lied' album is chuckleworthy, especially 'throw back the little ones,' though I suspect fagen is trying to be funny, there.)
Opera Star - Neil Young
("ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa/ho ho ho ho" sing mr. young's computerized minions on 're-ac-tor,' his last album on reprise (which, unsurprisingly, was never reissued on cd). the album also features 't-bone,' on a par with lou reed's 'disco mystic' for repetitive nonsense.)
Black Girls - Rae Dawn Chong
(b-movie actress and daughter of tommy chong, from the 1986 'soul man' soundtrack. features the uplifting chorus "ooo look, she must be a black girl/ooo hoo, she knows what to do/ooo hoo, she must be a black girl/you can be a black girl too")
We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off
- Jermaine Stewart
(a flaccid 80's counterattack on the likes of barry white and the ohio players, soon to be swallowed up by a tidal wave of sweat. keith sweat, that is.)
With You - Lou Reed
(it was hard to pick just one ('so alone?' 'animal language?' 'the original wrapper?') but this takes the cake and is one of the most apalling two minutes and twenty-two seconds in the history of recorded songs. cheesy noodling guitar solo squeal, strained, shouting vocals, sludgy incomprehensible keyboards, and the phrase we needed a book to translate: "with you, it's fuckee or fucker.")
Lovers Loving Lovers Loving Love - Roger Nusic
(electric violin processed beyond recognition, faux indian-style singing, and lyrics like "I walked in yonder forest and I found norwegian wood/she is the flower bright and good/her blossoms are for me" make this a certifiable winner. runner-up: 'when I was a girl.')
Man In The Mirror - Michael Jackson
("make that change")
Come Sail Away - Styx
(obvious but universally hilarious. 'mr. roboto' is far too long and boring to qualify.)
this world today is a mess - morris albert
(hard-hitting social commentary from the man who wowed us with his 'feelings.')
roxanne - the police
(though probably only because of kevin nealon and dana carvey)
spirit of radio - rush
(it's too great a rock song to make the list, but it always makes me laugh.)
rock steady - the whispers
("and we begin to rock/steady/steady rockin' all night long")
hairdresser on fire - morrissey
(if jim nabors was a gay singing whale, he'd probably sound like this.)
oh sherrie - steve perry
(I don't know why but this song has consistently cracked me up for the last 4 years or so.)
electric avenue - eddy grant
(I always thought this song was hilarious as a kid, mainly because I had no idea what it was about.)
peace train - cat stevens
(only in retrospect)
everybody have fun tonight - wang chung
(can you believe they have a greatest hits album? guess what it's called..."everybody wang chung tonight: wang chung's greatest hits." and it has 14 tracks. I forgot about "dance hall days." that should've gone on the runners-up list for worst songs.)