SAL'S RULES OF KOMEDY
Just follow dese simple rules and you will find yourself on da path ta success, just like me.
Rule #1: Ya can't fuck an apple, so don't even try.
Rule #2: Retards and foreigners are always good for a laugh. So is illiterates, even though I myself suffer from dis cruel disease.
Rule #3: Broads wit' beards = funny. Dames wit' dicks = NOT FUNNY.
Rule #4: Songs is not funny. Dey neva are. Props isn't funny, neither, though smashing watermelons is.
Speakin' a' melons, rule numba five is "Tits." It doesn't matta, just tits. Dere should always be tits. Always.
Rule #6. I like cahtoons. Dere's some funny stuff in dose. So if yer a cahtoon den yer alreddy dere. No need ta read furtha.
Rule #7 Booze makes everything betta. Dis rule applies to everything in life, from funerals to- God help ya- job interviews. And it don't hurt if yer audience is blitzed, neither.
Aw, man. I don't tink I can handle much more a' dis. You figga it out da rest. Good luck, kiddo, and neva forget what yer uncle Sal tol' ya, ya lousy, no-good sonofabitch. Don't say I didn't neva do nuttin' for ya.